Healing After a Miscarriage: My Cross to Bear + Helpful Tips

It has already been a few weeks since I learned the bad news. These weeks have been filled with highs and lows—grey days of regret and of wanting a change of scenery.

A tough couple of weeks, as they say. Without ever really knowing why it had to happen to us.

During the 3 weeks that followed the bad news, all I wanted was to get away. To jump on a plane heading anywhere, just to escape the reality of it all. It’s hard to understand where it came from, that need to leave everything behind. But it was truly there.

Yes, time heals all things, but first it has to pass awhile. One minute at a time, one pain at a time, then at some point you wake up and a day, a week, a month has passed. Unfortunately, it can come across as “over the top” to the people around us. To the point when they don’t understand why many weeks later, we’re still thinking about it.

Let me tell you that until we get to hold our rainbow baby in our arms—and probably even after that—we will still be thinking about it. It’s just that we’re thinking: I could be 4 months pregnant, 6 months pregnant, etc. Then we’ll think about it again the month we would have given birth to that beautiful little baby…

I know all this because, sadly, the detail I have kept secret until now is that this was my second miscarriage, not my first…

I have already lived all these emotions a first time, but somehow the second time seems to hurt even more. Maybe because this time, as I was crying when I saw the missing line on the pregnancy stick and the blood loss, I was thinking to myself: How could this possibly be happening to me again?

… and we all know the answer to that question.

However, a few things can help you get through the tough times and heal from your miscarriage. Here are a few tips that worked for me.

CONSULTING A DOCTOR

After a first miscarriage, you simply think you are unlucky. After two miscarriages, you start to wonder what’s wrong. After hearing the bad news, I made an appointment with my doctor (not my family doctor, but one who was kind enough to follow me through these difficult times).

Depending on your condition, your doctor will recommend some tests to check everything out. In my case, it was blood tests and an echography of the uterus. I haven’t received the results yet, but just knowing that I have started the process has lifted a huge weight off my shoulders. A bit like when you take an end of the year exam and that summer has finally arrived! You don’t have your results yet whether you’ve passed or not, but at least it’s done!

MEETING WITH WELL-BEING SPECIALISTS, SUCH AS PSYCHOLOGISTS, OSTEOPATHS, ACUPUNCTURISTS, MASSAGE THERAPISTS AND HYPNOTHERAPISTS

While speaking with my sister, she recommended I consult with a well-being specialist, as I like to call them.

By pure coincidence, I met an osteopath that works on the corner of my street and that comes from Montréal—and therefore speaks French—who, on top of having training as an osteopath, is also a psychologist. Oh yeah, I forgot to mention, she also worked for a long time with pregnant women and with women who were trying to conceive, and she’s a doula. It’s like, the best package deal I could have asked for!

It feels really good talking to her, and she helps me heal one session at a time. I recommend you also try consulting. There’s no magic formula; you have to trust your instincts and do what feels right for you.

TAKING OFF

Have you been dreaming of leaving for a road trip at the last minute? Then do it. Forget about your problems for a weekend. That feels good.

I left for my trip to Whistler 3 weeks after it all happened, and now that I know how good it made me feel, I should have done it much sooner.

It can even be a staycation at your parents’ place. Just taking a break from your daily routine can make a huge difference sometimes.

TAKING YOUR TIME

You know what? It’s alright to feel the way you do. Get through it your way. You have the right to say no, to cry, to be fed up with your situation. Allow yourself to feel it all. Your priority right now is to heal from this tragedy.

My doctor also told me to stop trying to have a baby for the next two months, for medical reasons. I must admit that at first, I was pretty angry with her. But now, in hindsight, and in the state I am now, I recognize that for my mental health, it was the best gift I could give to myself. 

It’s hard each month to do the ovulation tests, to wonder if you will have your period, to do a pee test 2 days before, just in case … It’s a roller coaster of emotions that I am glad to have taken a break from, at least for a few months. I recommend it. It sucks, but it will make you feel better in the long run and will help you heal.

TALKING ABOUT IT

Conception is such a taboo subject, the crappy steps to go through for some before reaching your ++ goals. When on top of that it includes the loss of that little bean…

We have to talk about it, to debunk this myth—as if creating a child happens just by watching the birds fly by, and all in the first month of trying. I mean, come on. I know some people are clearly uncomfortable talking about it and that’s alright (but at the same time, it isn’t).

For starters, talk about it simply to feel better, to relieve yourself from this pressure of going through this on your own. And as my darling sister likes to tell me: sometimes it’s nice just to have a shoulder to cry on and someone who will listen to what you have to say, even if there’s not much to be said. That couldn’t be 2more true.

Slowly but surely, you will heal. How about you? Did anyone, or anything, help you move on from your miscarriage?

This post was translated from French to English by: